you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
