My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
