Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
