i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
