If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
