she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
