My Higher Power is John Stamos
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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