I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
