my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
