We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize