would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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