life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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