I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
