ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the day after is always just damage control
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
