So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
