Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
