If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
