hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
