You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
