Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize