My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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