Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
