he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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