you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize