i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
