I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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