Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
