mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
