i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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