Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
