I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
