You smell like a Billy Joel song
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
