my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
