Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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