White coat. Heels.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
