Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
