I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
