If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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