I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
