We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
