lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
