I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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