Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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