Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i was born a porn star she said
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize