it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
