She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
