I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
