Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
