And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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