By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
