Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
