Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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