The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
