i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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