I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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