if i died would you start the facebook group?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
