It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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