I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
