Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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