can u get pink eye on your cock?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
