bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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