her vagina looked like bernie madoff
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
