Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize